Trevor Ilott

Life was tough when I was growing up. We never had much money and it seemed that all my friends had everything they ever wanted. They got the latest toy every birthday and Christmas, had the best holidays abroad and never wanted for anything. Whilst they were sporting the latest line of Adidas sportswear, I could be seen parading around in my cousin’s hand me downs. Whilst I realise I’m not alone in having to wear other people’s clothes, the fact that my cousin grew up in the 60’s and I in the 70’s meant that this budding punk/New Romantic had to wear hippie flares and flowery shirts. For a boy in his early teens, it certainly didn’t feel ‘cool man’.

My mum struggled to raise 3 children on a shoestring and as a result, I came to understand and appreciate the struggles my mother went through and this in turn brought us closer together. I also had a much better understanding of the value of money and I learnt from an early age that expensive gifts weren’t going to be presented to me just because it was my Birthday or because Jesus Christ was celebrating another milestone.

I may not have had the latest Action Man or my sisters the newest Barbie doll but the one thing we all had was our health.

It seemed to me that illnesses and bad luck always affected others. I felt blessed not to be surrounded by sufferers of cancer, dementia or any other multitude of diseases you see all too often in the press or on TV. Indeed, none of my close relatives seemed to suffer from these ailments either.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realise that everybody else is getting older too so now I find myself in a situation where every time I speak to a relative or close friend, either they or somebody they know appears to suffer from some kind of illness or another.

This got me thinking; what is the worst illness anybody could suffer which then led me to think, how does it affect the loved ones of the sufferer?

There is no right or wrong answer to this dilemma, it is very subjective as each terrible illness or disease affects different people in many different ways.

I have witnessed loved ones succumb to various forms of cancer and I have also witnessed loved ones conquer this terrible disease but I am yet to experience anybody that has come out the other side of dementia. Whilst it could be argued the sufferer is blissfully unaware of their condition, what can’t be denied is the mental anguish caused to their nearest and dearest.

After witnessing my grandad (my mum’s dad) fall foul of dementia back in the late 80’s and more recently, my mother who was finally released from her mental shackles in 2012, I realised that although the help for the sufferer is available, there is very little support for the people emotionally close to the patient. When somebody is diagnosed, what happens next? Who can I talk to? Where can I find the best advice and more importantly, how can I cope emotionally through this trauma?

This is why I decided to write this book.

Dealing with the practical side is a challenge in itself. There are many things to sort out. Finding the right care home for your loved one is pretty much top of the list followed by the finances. Do I need an LPA (Lasting Power of Attorney)? Is it too late for an LPA so do I have to apply for a CoP (Court of Protection)? Are there assets that need to be sold to help fund the care? Once all of these have been sorted, then comes the really tough part; visiting your loved one in the care home. Will they recognise me? What mood will they be in? How will I cope with seeing them in this state?

If only I knew the answers to these questions before my mother became ill, dealing with the affects and aftermath of dementia would have been so much easier to handle not least for my own mental state.

Whilst I still don’t claim to have all the answers, my experience in dealing with this devastating disease first hand means I can now share this with others to hopefully help them come to terms with their loved one’s altered state of mind.

Dementia doesn’t have to be a life sentence! It can be the start of a beautiful relationship!